Lobby Bar – September 2: Obama’s Real Legacy, Free Massages, and Military-Grade Scarves

By Jeremy Del Nero on 2 September 2016
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Lobby Bar – A Hard Boiled Box of FBT News and Views

Presidential piloting. Jonathan Spira takes control of the 2016 Lincoln MKX. This is the last vehicle Lincoln will produce under its current moniker; the company polled Americans across the nation and found that President Obama has been a more popular president than Mr. Abraham ever was. Next week: Paul Riegler reviews the 2017 Obama Legacy 4E.

ABC Disclaimer. Jesse Sokolow takes his time machine for a whirl through Septembers past. Despite his world-class time travel training, Jesse ripped a hole in the space-time continuum in this voyage, opening up a portal between Sesame Street and modern day. Surprisingly, nothing has changed, although we’re required to tell you that the letter J brings this Lobby Bar to you.

Flyers with benefits. American Airlines is the world’s largest airline, but is it the greatest? It sure thinks so. To convince flyers that they are customers of the world’s greatest airline, American will begin offering them free goodies every Tuesday, à la T-Mobile and AT&T. Up first: if you’ve flown American in the last month, help yourself to a free massage at Jesse’s apartment in Los Angeles. Just present your boarding pass at the security checkpoint.

Up is down. We’re got the statistics: driving over the speed limit is safer than driving under. In the same study, we’ve found that a steady diet of Doritos is currently favored over fresh vegetables, and a minimum of two hours of TV watching will keep citizens in tip top shape, even if they have to sacrifice some gym time to achieve it.

Chevy power. With travel embargos to Cuba lifted, Jesse used his time machine to return to Detroit of the late 1950s, buy all the parts in GM’s warehouse for all 1950s Chevys, and then hop over to Cuba to establish a nationwide chain of Chevy parts stores which still exists today. Unfortunately, when Castro came to power, the chain was nationalized but Jesse was left with several Chevrolet key rings.

Hipster safety. With the recent slew of shootings and public attacks, we have a few recommendations on how to stay safe in public places. Be aware of your surroundings, avoid crowds, and never travel anywhere without your standard issue bulletproof cardigan and scarf.

Leaving a mark. Following another evacuation due to loud noises, this time at Los Angeles International Airport, the airport reopened its terminals after finding no evidence of an active shooter on the premises. There was, however, an active swordsman named Zorro who was going through security when the false alarm unfolded. While he tried to convince people that he would help defend the airport, his actions were mistaken for violence and he was detained, although not before managing to slash a giant Z into the tile floor.

(Photo: Accura Media Group)

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