Lobby Bar – May 29: Spirit Animals, Cars Made of Glass, and Affectionate Biting Habits

By Jeremy Del Nero on 29 May 2015
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Lobby Bar – A Truth-Defying Summary of FBT News and Views

Free plus tax.  There may not be such a thing as a free lunch, but FBT safety experts have concluded that wearing your seatbelt in the back of a taxicab is free and could save your life.  (Disclaimer: seatbelt is free only with the purchase of a ride valued at $2.50 or greater, seatbelt cannot be removed from cab, batteries not included.)

Karmic explosions.  Jonathan Spira stays at the Goring Hotel in London, where each guest is assigned a spirit animal upon arrival.  While Mr. Spira received owl, the man who cut in line at check-in and didn’t tip the bellhop was labeled an ass.  Coincidence?  We think not.

Opalescence.  Paul Riegler gets behind the wheel of a 2015 Buick Regal GS, which he instantly recognized as a rebadged Opel Insignia.  The first models were called “Opal” because they were made out of semi-translucent glass. Needless to say, the cars weren’t very safe and were re-branded as “Opel” with the hiring of a drugged-out copywriter a few years later.

Theatergoing extraordinaire.  The 2014-15 Broadway season has concluded, going down in history as the highest grossing year ever for Broadway theaters.  According to the statistics, the names “Jonathan Spira” and “Paul Riegler” accounted for 23% of those sales; the two somehow managed to see 16 shows per day apiece.  Strangely enough they took the same day off each week, Mondays.

Hypotenuse. Air China and Air Canada will be joining forces to offer easier travel between Beijing and Montreal.  The airlines will be combining resources to drill 11,000 miles through the Earth’s core, creating a direct and wind-resistant free line of travel.

Finders keepers.  American Express wants you to know that it might owe you money.  To claim your money, please send a text to Amex CEO Kenneth I. Chenault at 555-254-[REDACTED] with a detailed 160-character submission of why you think you deserve the money that’s rightfully yours.

VisitmeI’mlonely.  Delta is adding new destinations from its hub at Seattle-Tacoma International Airport.  With new nonstop flights to Bahstahn, Taxachusetts, there’s no reason not to visit your favorite Lobby Bar editor.  I don’t bite. Not painfully, at least.

(Photo: Accura Media Group)

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