Study Urges Large Companies to Continue the Work-at-Home Culture into the Post-Pandemic Age

ASSHOLMEN, SWEDEN, April 1 — On the opening day of its annual meeting, this year held as a hybrid-online event due to the ongoing Covid-19 pandemic, the American Service Society of Corporate Ambulatory Managers, or ASSCAM, announced the findings of a research report that revealed that the stay-at-home culture associated with the pandemic is working so well in lowering corporate travel costs that it should be instituted permanently.

Last year’s event was officially in Hell, a village in the Lånke area of the municipality of Stjørdal in Trøndelag county, Norway, for the meeting, although no one actually was there except the janitor, who turned the video system on.

The study also found that companies are saving millions of dollars, because business travelers are not renting adult videos and charging the fee to their hotel bills, and recommended reimbursing employees $9.99 per month to cover the cost of a Pornhub Premium subscription.

Amtrak One, the new presidential train

Finally, the group’s board of directors also announced the first annual ASSCAM Greta Thunberg Prize, this year awarded to U.S. President Joseph R. Biden in recognition of his concern for the environment and his executive order that mothballed Air Force One. President Biden, speaking remotely to the group from the White House basement, said that he would confine his travels going forward to Amtrak One.

The study will relieve hotels of the responsibility of unnecessarily servicing numerous guest rooms, which in turn should help the hospitality industry return to profitability.  It also found a high level of satisfaction amongst knowledge workers who received gourmet food packages for company virtual lunch meetings and amongst those who, during warm weather, were allowed to attend meetings outdoors and shirtless so they could sun themselves at the same time.

“Fourteen months after the start of the global pandemic, workers across the globe are finding happiness in small touches that show their employers care about their well-being,” said a long-time ASSCAM member who is attending the event from his bedroom, wearing pajamas and a t-shirt that has 1,000 LEDS sewn on that change color based on what a conference speaker at any given time says.

ASSCAM is the largest association of corporate travel managers in the galaxy.

The study, conducted by the independent research firm Takë Shortcutti, surveyed 65,000 executives from ASSCAM’s membership.   It examined how well they were adjusting to the work-at-home environment after 14 months and how their habits had changed over the same period of time. It probed what business travelers were doing when cut off from their ability to order adult movies in their hotel rooms and formulated recommendations to help compensate them for the lack of consistent porn content during the pandemic.

The researchers also interviewed over 5.3 former business travelers and asked them similar questions.

“We have to face the reality that workers are watching online porn even as we speak because meetings using Zoom are so tedious,” said Rüdiger Gruber, recently promoted to the position of CEO at ASSCAM, who announced a partnership with Pornhub that will give members a 20% discount on yearly subscriptions and 50% discount to members who post their own homemade content.

“We are taking the findings from the Takë Shortcutti survey quite seriously,” said Scott Kirby, the newly installed CEO of World Global Airlines and former United Airlines and American Airlines president, and an ASSCAM member. “We plan to begin to implement some of the firm’s recommendations as soon as it is practical to do so.”

“Business travelers simply cannot perform their duties the way things stand, without access to hotel-room porn,” said Michael Frieden, the group’s senior vice president of membership, who spoke to FBT on camera wearing an elegant chiffon evening gown. “The Takë Shortcutti study has once again identified key changes that need to take place in the workplace.”

Jonathan Spira contributed reporting from Assholmen, Sweden.

(Photo: Accura Media Group)