Lobby Bar – December 14: Hanging Chads, Boarding by Color, and ‘I’ll Take Famous Squirrels for $250, Alex!’

By Anna Breuer on 14 December 2018
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Lobby Bar: A Modern Day Parable

Do Not Fold, Spindle, or Mutilate.  After counting over 1.6 billion ballots, the accounting firm of Dewey Cheattham & Howe halted the announcement of winners of the Frequent Business Traveler GlobeRunner Awards in New York City. The accountants discovered that most of the votes were invalid because voters failed to follow instructions on the punchcard ballot, which was originally designed in 1971. Fortunately, common sense prevailed and the State of Florida was pressed into duty to certify the ballot count.

We’re not making this one up.  Delta is banning puppies and kittens – yes those cute animals that Internet users cannot get enough videos and pictures of – from serving as emotional support animals on flights.  While we agree that dogs and cats of that age are too young to fly unencumbered in a cabin, the airline should have been able to anticipate the headlines that would follow the announcement.

In related news, the Great Airline Global Alliance, or GAGA, announced the banning of t-shirts depicting such under-age animals from being worn on their aircraft lest they upset flyers who had to leave their support kittens and puppies at the TSA checkpoint before boarding.

Achromatopsia. Delta got into more hot water after announcing it would use color-coded boarding zones going forward. Protests were lodged from all angles. The Society of Color-Blind Travelers called the new policy discriminatory, while Pantone complained that none of the new colors were on its color palette.

Just when you thought it was safe to travel…The airline industry said it expects 45.7 million travelers during the upcoming holiday travel season. In other news, the Hodophobia Society announced that its members would do their part by – as usual – by staying home.

The Bullwinkle Show. As of this week, there are now 787 of Boeing’s 787 Dreamliner, a game-changer that opened up once unthinkable routes such as San Francisco-Chengdu and London-Austin, in the air.  Meanwhile, at Voronezh headquarters in Moscow, home of the Ilyushin Il-96, co-CEO’s Boris and Natasha held a top-secret conference call with their chief spy, oops we mean consultant, Rocket J. Squirrel, who is based in Everett, trying to understand why they have only sold 30 of the Il-96s since 1992.

Oliver Twist’s Book of Good Manners.  One point not covered in Paul Riegler’s look at etiquette in Europe is how to comport oneself if dining in a Mudfog workhouse.  If gruel is on the menu, one must draw lots to determine who may ask Mr. Beadle for more. It is customary to say, “Please, sir, I want some more” when doing so.

(Photo: Accura Media Group)

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