Lobby Bar – January 26: Sampling Your DNA, Motorized Slippers, Fake IDs, and the Ground is Lava

By Jeremy Del Nero on 26 January 2018
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Lobby Bar – What Happens at the Lobby Bar Stays at the Lobby Bar

Sponsored by the NSA. Join the discussion: is the mobile passport app faster than global entry? Really, you should all be using the passport section of the FBT app, which lets you prick your finger and place a drop of blood into the charging port of your device.  Our systems will then analyze your DNA and retrieve a match from the FBI to automatically fill out the form for you. Easy as warm nuts.

Thief’s reward. A woman by the name of Marilyn Hartman managed to sneak past TSA guards at Chicago O’Hare Airport and onto a British Airways flight to London, where she was finally intercepted and returned home. This isn’t the first time she successfully stowed away on a flight, and while she never paid for a ticket, the law states that she must be awarded frequent flier miles for all of the trips she’s taken, and now she can finally take a legitimate flight, at least once her ankle monitor is removed.

Road closed. Anna Breuer knows that you are anxious to know what’s open and what’s closed during the U.S. government shutdown. As the roads are owned by the government, they will be closed and citizens are not allowed to walk outdoors or drive until further notice.

Let’s get crafty. Before you head to the airport, make sure your State ID is in compliance with Read ID laws to make sure it will be accepted for air travel. If your ID is not accepted, we’ll be happy to issue you a new one; just swing by our New York office with a recent picture of yourself, a piece of white paper, and some crayons, and Jeremy (Hi!) will forge you a foolproof “legal” document.

No end in sight. Nissan’s ProPilot technology is being used to power slippers in a Japanese inn. The little slippers will automatically park themselves in their proper home when commanded.  In testing them, we’ve found a way to hijack the technology by wearing the slippers and zooming around, although we can’t quite control the destination just yet.  One thing could bear improvement, and that’s the 22 lb (10 kg) weight of the batteries powering the slippers.

Great barrier. Since Donald Trump assumed office one year ago, international tourism to the United States has fallen 4%. While part of this is due to the policies in place by the administration, the biggest deterrent is the recently-erected 10-mile high concrete wall on the western shore, which was built to deter any nuclear attacks from North Korea. Missiles should have no problem clearing it, but transpacific flights are calling it quits.

Work it out. Remember when American and Delta divorced a couple years ago, canceling their interline agreement? Well apparently, after attending several sessions of air carriers counseling, the two have decided that they’re going to try to work it out after all, albeit with only partially reinstated service. We’re just wondering whether they’ll be sharing custody of the baby jets who are reportedly tired of going back and forth between on short commuter hops.

Mindful mobiles. Apple will be adding support for Advanced Mobile Location, a key safety feature, in iOS 11.3. The new feature uses sonar technology (powered by Palo Alto Dolphins) to receive a precise location, which means that new phones with the software will not be suitable for vegans.

Bad example. British Airways’ parent IAG won’t be assuming control over Austrian airline Niki after all. A bankruptcy court judge in Austria recently ruled that, “if you can’t even look after Marilyn Hartman properly, how can we trust you with another airline?”

(Photo: Accura Media Group)

Accura News

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