Lobby Bar – June 16: The Arctic Theatre, USB-Powered Air Conditioners, and United Apologizes… Again

By Jesse Sokolow on 16 June 2017
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Lobby Bar – The Place We Go Every Week When We’re Done Trying

Ratings games. The 2017 Tony Awards took place last weekend, so find out which of your favorite shows received accolades! We won’t spoil anything for you, but “Hamilton” has decided that it needs to step up its game, and rumor has it that the American history musical will be killing off another historical figure in a spin-off next season. The new play’s final name has yet to be determined but industry insiders are apparently betting on “Andrew Jackson”

Accidents happen. Airport security scanners are about to get more sophisticated, which is good news for those affected by the proposed laptop ban. The new scanners feature robotic arms that very quickly disassemble your gadgets and put them back together, most of the time in the correct order. There are perks though: last time we went through an airport with the new scanners, we were lucky enough to somehow receive upgraded hardware from another traveler’s laptop, as well as free subscriptions to multiple online movie services.

Take part. Join Jonathan Spira and Ernest Shackleton for a trip into the Antarctic cold. To elicit an empathetic viewing experience, the audience is subjected to extreme cold during the performance, so make sure you bring a few jackets and an insulated sleeping bag with you, and try not to laugh too hard at those who forgot their survival gear, as they may not survive the dangerous journey.

Editors, inventors. Closer to the tropics, join Jeremy Del Nero (ciao!) in the heat and he’ll show you how to survive the heat waves that are sure to hit your city this summer. It may be a prototype, but I devised a wonderful USB-powered air conditioner backpack that only weighs 120 pounds. Get yours today for just 99 cents (plus $499 shipping & handling). And if you order in the next 15 minutes, we’ll send you a second unit, absolutely free, just pay shipping and handling for it.

Is it raining? Hang out with John Buckley at the Paper Mill Playhouse for Mary Poppins, live and in HD. To get to the playhouse, just hop on the Path, take a New Jersey Transit bus from Port Authority, or just take the Umbrella Express from the Downtown Manhattan Heliport (passengers who choose this option must also dress like Mary Poppins to be approved for boarding and are required to check their carpetbags).

You are now free to roam about the country. Roaming fees in Europe are officially no more. Now, any European residents or visitors are free to roam the streets without any fear of being ticketed for directionless wandering, an offense that used to carry significant fines.

Double oops. United Airlines issued a public apology after video footage showing an employee striking an elderly passenger, a Mrs. Ada Quonsett, surfaced online. The apology, however, was premature when it turned out that the video footage was actually a clip from the 1970 movie “Airport.” When asked why United apologized for the incident, the exhausted PR rep said “I dunno, it seemed like something we would surely have done.”

(Photo: Accura Media Group)

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