Lobby Bar – March 31: Naked in the Sky, Thor’s Favorite Car, Expensive Stakes, and an FBT Editor’s Meltdown
Lobby Bar – A Sweetly Soporific Selection of FBT News and Views
Call us idols. We’re taking a break from our regularly scheduled travel news and reviews to offer some flying fashion advice. In general, try to avoid clothing that is too long, too short, ripped, stained, see-through, brightly colored, or made of polyester. On second thought, why not just avoid the question entirely and book your next trip on our new startup, Naked Airways.
It’s been 40 years since the world’s deadliest plane crash and, in an unusually serious moment here in the Lobby Bar, we want to point out that the findings from the accident’s investigation resulted in dramatic changes in the aviation industry. Thankfully, these changes have resulted in safer skies and far fewer accidents in the years since.
Fiddlesticks. Jeremy Del Nero (hey, that’s me, the neurotic Lobby Bar editor) gets his hands on the one and only toy for twitchy humans, the Fidget Cube. Next week, he’ll test out another fidget toy: a narrower and taller model that can be rolled between the fingers, has a button with two different positions, a clip for handy storage, and a retractable sharp tip that can be used to communicate with others. It’s called a pen. As an added bonus, in an emergency, the barrel may be unscrewed and used to save a life by performing a tracheotomy.
Peter, Paul, and Mary. Join Jonathan Spira as he pilots the all-new 2017 Volvo V90 Cross Country through some dusty terrain. Along the way, Spira was accosted by Thor, who wanted his hammer back. “My thunder and lighting storms simply haven’t been the same since Volvo took my hammer for the car’s DRLs,” he sheepishly explained. The two were last seen enjoying some Aquavit together and singing “If I had a hammer.”
Slightly bigger. Join us in celebrating 15 years of Mini in America. Unfortunately, this is the life and death of Mini; U.S. President Trump, claiming he is an expert in automotive branding, proclaimed that “Mini” sounds too wimpy and that BMW must change the name of its Mini division to “MAXI.”
What’s old again is new again. Volkswagen received permission to sell some of model year 2015 diesels that have been sitting around gathering dust on dealer lots around the country since Woodward and Bernstein broke the Dieselgate story. The only hiccup is that Volkswagen has to convince buyers it’s 2015 again, which unfortunately also means they have to relive the 2016 election campaign.
Brainbumps. Twenty-seven leaders of EU nations gathered in Rome this week to celebrate the 60th anniversary of the signing of the Treaty of Rome. Even the lady from the Peroni commercials showed up to whisper in the leaders’ ears, giving them some lovely ASMR.
Collab with collab. Audi plans to acquire the luxury car rental startup Silvercar. “But we at Audi plan on greatly enhancing the service,” Audi’s CEO added. “We will also offer cars in rose gold and space grey, after paying Apple a license fee to use their trade dress and other intellectual property.”
Who are you? Hyatt announced a new promotion under its World of Hyatt guest loyalty program called “Double Points for Being You.” Unfortunately, when I tried to apply for the promotion at the Hyatt in Times Square, the receptionist looked me up and down and said “you’re not ‘you’.” If anybody needs me, I’m currently out of the office having an existential crisis.
Rare stakes. American Airlines will be taking a $200 million stake in China Southern Airlines. The purchase happened accidentally when American CEO had dinner with China Airlines’ CEO and ordered an expensive medium-rare steak. After a short and confusing exchange, Parker ended up with potato salad and 2.76% of a Chinese airline.
Repeat offenders. Did you hear that? American Express’ new Platinum Card benefits just went into effect. Now the top .01% of cardmembers can summon an SI, or swipe intern, to come and swipe or dip their card to avoid succumbing to RSS (repetitive swiping syndrome).
(Photo: Accura Media Group)