Lobby Bar – December 2: Emotions Not Included, Carry-on Lounges, Luxury Carbs, and Potato Power

By Jeremy Del Nero on 2 December 2016
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A Cunning Collection of FBT News and Views

Doggy bags. Jonathan Spira checks out United’s first Polaris Lounge at Chicago O’Hare International Airport an hour before anybody else had the chance to enter. The rest of the guests were slightly confused when they arrived as they could see none of the food that was promised to them. Then, they noticed in a corner our beloved editorial director with a smug look on his face and what appeared to be six suitcases bursting at the seams.

Bad influence. Jesse Sokolow hops into his time machine to experience great moments in travel history in Decembers past. In this edition, Jesse is marooned in the past because his time machine’s flux capacitor burnt out from too many journeys. If somebody doesn’t mind, could you please travel back to 1973 with either the replacement part or a potato? (Potatoes are the secret to time travel, Jesse just doesn’t know it yet.)

Boy meets girl. Jonathan Spira checked into the Westin Mission Hills Golf Resort and Spa in Palm Springs, California where he met his soul mate, Sally. Sally was friendly, compassionate, a great listener, and, of course, enjoyed long walks on the beach. But when Spira popped the question, Sally was silent. She smiled, drooled a bit, wagged her tail, and trotted off back to the reception desk.

Social contacts. Check out our handy guide for using your smartphone abroad without breaking the bank. You could buy some cheap voice and data packages from your provider, or just hire Jesse Sokolow to take care of communications for you. For $10 a day, Jesse will stand by his telegraph, decipher your incoming messages, and handle all of your e-mail, calls, texts, and social media activities.

Lawsuit kindling. Christian Stampfer has some recommendations about what to expect in various European cities at the Christkindlmarkt – the Christmas market – in what may be the last year of their existence. In November of this year, Amazon sent dozens of cities throughout Europe cease-and-desist letters demanding they stop using the name “Kindle.” Luckily, a few smart lawyers reached a settlement that has resulted in the ability to order Nürnburger Lebkuchen and local Glühwein from the Christkindlmarkt of your choice and have it arrive the next day via Amazon Prime. Or select 7 day shipping and get a $1 credit towards digital goods.

Presentation is key. Delta announced that it would begin to serve dishes from a New York Italian restaurant in Delta One cabins. No food will be served on the new dishes, but passengers are welcome to sprinkle some peanuts and pretzels artfully across the plates for their Instagram pictures.

Seal(feld) of approval. President-elect Donald Trump named Elaine Chao as Transportation Secretary this week. Chao will be changing her last name to Benes to avoid any puns about serving a chaotic term. Larry David and Julia Louis-Dreyfus okayed the name change after receiving a small fee. However, when traveling on Delta One, they got no soup

Not net. Netflix finally announced that it would make some of its titles available for offline viewing. The change in service renders the company’s name inaccurate, however, and so the streaming giant will be spinning off this new feature under a new brand, Offlineflix, or Offlix for short.

(Photo: Accura Media Group)

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