Lobby Bar – August 26: The Most Intimidating Beverage, How to Sleep Anywhere, and Why You Should Lick Phones
Lobby Bar – A Slightly Soiled Serviette Full of FBT News and Views
Global air. Did you feel hot last month? That’s because July was the hottest month ever recorded in human history. Don’t worry, Trump has a plan to install an air conditioned dome over the entire planet, which will ensure that everybody can exist in a comfortable atmosphere, ozone be damned, while keeping out all alien species at the same time.
Get our of meeting free card. If you frequently battle jet lag while traveling, check out Paul Riegler’s tips on how to adjust seamlessly between time zones. First, visit your doctor and convince her to diagnose you with narcolepsy. Then, snooze whenever you wish, even at meetings, to catch up on any sleep you have lost while traveling.
Cold hard veggies. Jonathan Spira takes the wheel of the new 2016 Kia K900 Luxury V8. As the name implies, the car comes with a mini-fridge stocked full with V8 vegetable juice, perfect for late night highway cruising and feeling like a badass.
Tongue untied. Check out all of the new and improved features coming with Apple’s iOS 10. Finally, Apple is letting its users unlock the screen via DNA recognition. Simply lick your iPhone’s lock screen and after a brief analysis, the phone should unlock. Warning: do not let your significant other near your phone after kissing.
Judgment day. In the biggest layoff in recent airline history, American Airlines retired 20 MD-80 Aircraft in one day. “It used to be that we could choose when we would retire,” one of the sorrowful MD-80s, who wished to remain anonymous, told FBT. “Now they decide when we are taken out of service. At least we get to enjoy some nice weather in Texas.” We didn’t have the heart to tell him that he would soon be scrapped for parts and sold to the highest bidder.
The world’s oldest man. At the same time American Airlines was retiring reluctant MD-80s, it honored its oldest employee, Methuselah, for his 10,000 years of service to the carrier. “I thought I would work at the airline for just a few centuries,” he said at the gala event, “but here I am, alive and kicking.”
Sweeten the deal. Volkswagen agreed to pay its U.S. dealerships a total of $1.2 billion in reparations after Dieselgate sank VW sales across the nation. To stimulate sales once more, dealerships are authorized to incentivize purchases with free Wiener Schnitzel or Currywurst upon lease signing. Vegetarians needn’t fear, staff will have Rösti and Spätzel in reserve to get that ink flowing.
(Photo: Accura Media Group)