Lobby Bar – May 27: The Day the Planes Stood Still, Human-Powered Cars, and a Decline in the Wizard Population

By Jeremy Del Nero on 27 May 2016
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Lobby Bar – A Blatantly Blasphemous Interpretation of FBT News and Views

Biggest in-flight danger. Paul Riegler wants to reassure you that, even after recent terror attacks, you are still quite safe in the sky. Except from that smelly dude in 7A. You’ll never be safe from him, so be prepared to breathe through your mouth for six to eight hours.

The plot thickens. Broadway shows are once again setting records for ticket sales and attendance during the 2015-2016 season, beating out all of New York’s sporting events combined and proving once more that there is indeed a homosexual agenda, and they are taking over Earth starting in the Big Apple.

Pull up a stool. What luxuries set the 2016 BMW 750i xDrive Sedan apart from your car? The seats in back have built-in commodes, which makes it the ideal car for multi-day road trips. What’s more, the engine beneath the seats composts human waste and converts it to fuel, so the car is also quite environmentally friendly.

Brainiac Airways. Jonathan Spira flies to Brussels to prove that travel to the Belgian capital can still be accomplished without incident. Indeed, Spira’s flight was so uneventful that he managed to read an entire stack of newspapers and complete all of the crossword puzzles and Sudokus within, all in the span of a six-hour flight, not counting a four-hour nap.

Presidents can be shot, not admitted to plays. A billionaire Shark Tank theatergoer was turned away at “Hamilton” last week, despite the fact that he could hire the entire cast to perform privately in his penthouse apartment. He only realized that pulling the DYKWIA card would not work after he saw a dejected Barack Obama leaving the premises, apparently turned away for the same reason.

Wizard not. Good news for those with British accents: 24-hour Tube service will become a reality for Londoners this fall. The decreased usage in Night Buses will mean less city crime and far fewer passengers being accidentally admitted to Hogwarts.

Fuel me up, Scotty. Delta announced new “Flight Fuel” in-flight dining options that will be available on flights longer than 900 miles. Flight Fuel is a specially designed cocktail of jet fuel and chocolate syrup for passengers who aspire to one day be jets themselves, perhaps an Airbus A380 or a Boeing 787 Dreamliner.

Live in the airport. Delta is joining American in spending $4 million of its own funds to hire TSA agents to alleviate the security bottleneck at many of the nation’s airports. Unfortunately, Delta and American are spending so much money on enhancing security procedures that the airlines had to lay off a number of pilots, and there’s nobody left to fly the planes.

No parking. Fiat Chrysler is recalling over a million cars that contain confusing gear shift levers. Apparently, many drivers of these vehicles think that the N on the gear shift means “not driving,” and would leave the car in neutral in the parking lot.

Top to bottom. The TSA’s head of security operations was ousted publicly over Twitter this week. The TSA needed someone to blame for its poor approval rating, and has demoted Kelly Hoggan to perform pat-down inspections at Hartsfield–Jackson Atlanta International Airport.

(Photo: Accura Media Group)

Accura News

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