Lobby Bar – February 20: Flights to Mount Doom, Roads Made of People, Gas Pains, and the Meaning of Love

By Jeremy Del Nero on 20 February 2015
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Lobby Bar – A Deviously Deceptive Summary of FBT News and Views 

Technophobia.  If you were afraid Apple wasn’t controlling enough of your life, get ready for the rumored iCar, coming to a garage near you by 2020. One bug the Apple team can’t work out yet: the self-driving car will crash if it detects passengers with PC laptops or Android/Windows smartphones on board.

Sunday Night Live.  Late-night sketch show SNL has now been taunting mankind for four decades, and released a special episode last week to mark the occasion.  Sorry, we can’t make a joke about a comedy troupe; it’s against the laws of comedy and could cause a dimensional implosion, something better avoided.

Mini-me.  Join us for a cozy stay at the Salamander Resort and Spa in Middleburg, Virginia.  Our biggest complaint: everything was too small.  We’re still not sure how management expects a hotel for salamanders to be fit for human use.

Middle Earth Airlines.  Paul Riegler boards one of the hourly Delta flights from New York to Chicago, claiming his usual seat in first class.  Prepare your stomach: Delta thinks passengers are ready for a full-on lunch at 10:30.  Apparently, the airline is attempting to cater to the increasing number of Hobbits opting for air travel and who expect meals every two hours throughout the day.

Just in case.  We have some tips for you on how to stay safe during your next hotel visit.  Locate the emergency exits beforehand, lock the windows, and scatter landmines liberally around the bed before turning in.

“How is a t-shirt and jeans not acceptable!?”  Speaking of business-traveling Hobbits, Qantas Airways announced that it will soon begin to strictly enforce its dress code policy in its business-class lounges.  In an unrelated story, Silicon Valley CEOs were seen lining up outside Barney’s to buy suits.

Soylent Gold.  Rolls-Royce plans to release a new vehicle that can handle any terrain, whether it’s traversing a snow-filled driveway, a bumpy dirt road, or the throngs of tourists in Times Square.  Rolls-Royce – a car by the people, for the people, and squishing the people.

The new sustainable.  Fuel costs are still low compared to last year, but prices are on the rise.  We recommend buying a brew-your-own-fuel kit to be safe.  When used properly, kits can produce a gallon of fuel in as little as 2,000 years – available at TJ Maxx for $29.99.

True love.  As of February 14, Wi-Fi access became free in every Hyatt location worldwide.  Hearts throbbed and many rejoiced.  One thing is certain: Hyatt truly understands the meaning of Valentine’s Day.

(Photo: Accura Media Group)

Accura News

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